Shouldn't ask

There are times when we shouldn't look back and shouldn't ask.

Of one of those times.

I must be little, but I was observant. You don't know when you grow up, but you do know (should know) if you still haven't. I am a man of 40 and like many of us I have had more than one real incident in my life, each of which are special to me. Each happened when I needed to grow, not sure that I did.

Judgments fail us, they fail us more than our real failures. People fail us, in a way we can never judge.

I should not think so much of how I have lived, but I do. As a child I was observant, now all I am is contemplative. Like a white feather travelling in the sky with a silent, almost hidden hope of flight, of some real happening. I am not even white, I am gray. Do I sound unhappy? I am asking you because my thoughts don't reach my ears; my ears are dedicated since years to music and words. Music of the countries and words of unknown philosophers (all men). My eyes in search of that blue sea whose color only my heart knows. I might find it and I might sit next to it, I might be satisfied or I might spend hours finding why this isn't exactly the color I was looking for and how is it different?

Man is curious to know and is scared of finding.

Life showed a way and I followed, like a boat and a river we moved. On our way we found unknown flowers in states of happiness, full blossom, death and loneliness. I liked to touch these flowers and know their smell. I liked to hold stems of these in my hands and caress them till they would fly. I liked to sing to them and hear them singing but I could never muster the courage of plucking any of these. They were beautiful where they were and I thought I would be unsatisfied with or without them. Life loaded a few known flowers on my boat, I carried them like an obedient servant. In the time we were together, I couldn't help the sadness or touch the happiness of these flowers.

Age is no milestone, it is no achievement. It is just a reminder of the fact that you are yet another human being surfing the waves of time.

I have made no contributions yet. I don't think that any of the inventions made, literature written or art created were necessary. I would have lived without these and so would you. Incapability sprouts its own philosophies. I have seen my mother grow from young and vibrant to old and wishful. I have seen her do the same that she always did for years and I have seen her holding tight to her rituals. As though if for a day she would not water the plants at 10 a.m. in the morning the plants would complain of disturbing their routine. The trees that I climbed when I was little, still are the same. The barks of these always looked wise, the only difference is that I don't seek their shelter anymore, I think that I am providing them with shelter.

We have been betrayed by ourselves countless number of times, so many that we are now not scared of any superficiality.

I am not a man who would be by your side when you would want me the most or expect me the most. I am not a man who would fulfill your emotional requirements. Of both of us, I would always be the baby. I am the man who would never love you more than what I do today, and I am the man who would never know what is needed. But I refuse to look back and realise why you are important; I refuse to ask myself any questions that would confuse me and make me feel uncomfortably right. I don't want to force improvements, I don't want to hide my present in the shadows of yesterday and demands of tomorrow. If you understand this, you would like to stay.

Shringi

August 24, 2011